Freedom

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

This morning starts like any other morning. There were no restless points the night before, no enthusiasm-based insomnia, and this morning is cold and groggy.

As per usual, Amelia is awake disturbingly early. At five AM, she begins to collect her things. She has no one to say goodbye to, so the following four hours are spent packing in silence and solitude. For the first time in many years, Amelia's mind is clear.

When everything has been packed, the room looks like the only bit of life that might've ever breathed into it has been sucked out. It's become another dead cell, cleaned and prepped for someone else's humiliation.

Amelia covers her eyes, and closes the door.

There's two hours of meetings with her various doctors during her stay, and her lawyer. Then it's time to make the appearance in court. The warden and psychiatric head are kinder than she thought they'd be. Dr. Tomin is not, but Amelia keeps a neutral face and answers as best she can. The judge reiterates all the information of her release, but finally it's done. She signs a head-spinning amount of paperwork.

At seven after two-- at least, Eastern Standard Time-- she's on her way back to her big, empty house for the first time in many months. Setting down her things in the front hallway makes an echo. She closes the door, shutting out the snow and wind.

Comments

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

It's been a few weeks, but Caleb still has a way to go before his soul is restored. Ibn's link allowed Amelia to thoroughly drain him, and regeneration is proceeding at a snail's pace.

On the other hand, it's been three of the most relaxing weeks of his life. Part of him is sad to see it ending, though another part of him -

- This place is huge. I'd forgotten how everything echoes.

"Welcome home, Bird."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

Everything looks mostly the same as she left it. The place has been cleaned up a little, but that's all. Her green hoodie is still piled in the armchair facing the window, just as she left it.

Amelia walks over to the glass, staring out at the mountains and swirling snow. This was her hiding place. This was where she had resolved to stay away from the world, to keep herself and others safe, and live her days out in solitude, making things.

33 miles away from any other living soul. There's no blinking red light on her answering machine. The fridge is filled with post-it notes she left herself in her craze, the Kenmore-white speckled with bright blue, green and lavender squares.

There's finally no one looking. She sinks to the floor.

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

No one except for Braat, that is, taking in the sight, and returning nothing but sympathy. He's been here himself, after Neron. He remembers what it was like, suddenly being able to appreciate how out of your mind you were, and not having anyone to lean on for support.

In that way, at least, Bird isn't going to be able to commiserate.

Caleb finds a spot on the floor next to her, knowing that he can't (and in any event, shouldn't) rush her along. She'll talk when she's ready. In the mean time, she'll be aware of his presence. It's the best he can do for her.

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

Amelia sits like that staring out the window for near an hour. Fifteen minutes on the tail end of it, she cries, but it's silent. It's only meant to be to herself. So much has changed. She has to go through this whole house, room by room, go through every project she had and weed out the madness.

She feels dirty, like this black oily mess seeped into her life and sullied up everything. "I'm so sorry," she finally says softly. "I was scared. Scared, really, out of my mind. And I feel that way now, and it was so fast, so sudden, I didn't even know. Everything seemed like it made sense so what if I just go back there? What if I become that again, what if I am that?"

She looks over at him, trying to wipe her face clean, at the same time replacing the dry stretches with new tears. "I wanna kill him, Caleb. I want to put him out of my misery, and I don't know how to stop feeling this way, how to not want to make him suffer like he made me suffer. What if I don't know how to be anything but a monster?"

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

Caleb sits there silently, though in his current state, he isn't so great at staying on topic. His mind wanders from topic to topic for the better part of the hour, though the sight of Amelia's tears renews his focus. He wishes to God he could take away her pain - even feel it himself instead, if he had to. Anything to give her back just something of what she lost.

"Somehow, Bird, I'm not too terribly concerned about that. You were motivated by love, not by hate. That wouldn't make you much of a monster, now would it?"

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

She scoffs. Tell that to Christie. Or Tara... or Corrine.

She doesn't believe it now but maybe she'll adjust to the idea. She looks over at her kitchen. Those obnoxious sticky notes are a good place to start on a long endeavor. "I have a lot of work to do."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

No, no, no. This isn't going to do at all, I'm afraid.

"Birdie," he calls as he comes alongside her, one arm wrapping itself around her shoulder. "You've been in an institution since June, and you've been dying for years. Now your free, and your healthy. Just now possibly isn't the best time to begin the lengthy task of sorting out the past."

He gives her a mischievous smile. "Surely there was something you were looking forward to doing."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

"[All I wanted was your health and happiness.]" She snickers to herself. "Sullied that up, too."

Amelia flops her hands, then moves to get up, going tipsy on the way like a lazy marionette righting itself. She makes her way over to the fridge, glancing at the first sticky-note there. The phone number of someone who honestly just irritated Amelia; that number could go. She peeled the green square from its surface.

Between two fingers, she waves it like a flag at Caleb. "Let's make a fire."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

"[Gather up what you need,]" he says, restraining a great deal of enthusiasm.

The magic to arrange the niche was simple enough, and conveniently enough, Amelia's garage did have cans of lighter fluid. In three minutes, the fireplace is set up and ready to go.

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

He matches her expression with only slightly more enthusiasm.

"A family trait, no doubt."

With a glance ad a wave, pages begin to lift themselves into the air, and float their way into the fire.

"Speaking of which, how do you, uh ... how do you feel? It, uh ... I can't imagine what it must feel like having your human-demon balance tampered with. Having half of it temporarily removed, yes, but you never really feel it coming back until, suddenly, it is."

"Your aura doesn't feel terribly different."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

"Right for the first time and wrong like I've never been before. Empty and filling at the brim at the same time."

She shrugs. "I didn't expect to walk out of there feeling like a million bucks. Just walking out was... enough. More than enough."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

He sits for a few seconds, quietly digesting her description.

He lifts his eyes. "Well, on the plus side, Father and I got into another fight. This time I, uh ..." A private snicker. "I did better."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

The amusement is missing from her face. Instead Amelia's just looking at him confused, and then slowly, her lips level out.

There's nothing that seems to be fitting to say right now. There's questions she could ask, but instead she stays silent and waits for the rest of the story. She knows there is one.

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

"He, uh ... Father's name came up during the search for Phillip. I went there to obtain and evaluate the information in his possession."

"As, uh ... as it turns out, father met Phillip over a year before I was born. Mother had leukemia, and Phillip referred him to a demonologist who brought her demonic side out, so to speak. It's, uh ... it's why we're the way we are."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

...

Okay.

So.

That explains a lot.

"Ah--" Amelia shakes her head. It's been a long damn day. "Nevermind.

"So I saw Cuba. On TV, while I was inside. I know she's back." Amelia's voice isn't contemptuous, merely emphasizing once but otherwise neutral. "You got Jeannie back in the bottle all right?"

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

"More or less. She's somewhat more collected now."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

"Good," she says hollowly.

Another handful of rubbish goes into the flames. Amelia doesn't know how she feels about that particular subject right now, so she won't speak anymore on it. Perhaps the madness is gone, but some of the residual feeling is there. God, there's got to be something that isn't uncomfortable to think about!

"I don't know what to do with myself." She straightens just a little. "Like maybe I should go away for a while and see what happens. See where I go. I had a dream-- or a vision, something, I don't know-- but I don't think it'll be a nightmare this time."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

"The same can be said for vodka. No, the beer is enough." Besides, Amelia's not exactly in for getting drunk tonight. Perhaps another night, perhaps a night to celebrate her freedom, but not tonight.

"It wasn't Mara, I just saw her in-- something else. A different one. I don't know the blonde, never seen her before although I feel like I have. Somewhere." The slight frown says it's been on her mind, and now that she's free, she hopes to find out. "We died in Africa. And I saw Tara in Rhzev and she... wasn't the same. It all came back to Christie, or I hope. She might hate me now, but I can't let Tara be what I saw. It's not her; she's too good."

Amelia rubs her temple. "So if it's all the same... that's really all I want to say on it. There's a lot I'm not sure whether I believe or not, and--" Ibn. She breathes, then fakes a smile. "Probably hallucinations, like you said. I had enough of them."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

Caleb doesn't seem to bent out of shape. He just shrugs, and continues tossing crumpled paper into the fire. If she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to talk about it.

"I think you'll like Mara," Caleb notes, a private smile forming at the edges of his lips. "She's remarkably vibrant."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure--" She stops, giving him a look. He wants them to meet? It doesn't really matter, Amelia won't, not right now, at least. It's probably time she stopped worrying about what her brother was doing with his life and simply trusted him.

"I think the important thing is that she makes you happy." Amelia scoffs at herself and gives her older brother a half-smile. "I'm never going to stop worrying some girl's going to tear you up. Too many have and maybe I can't see 50% of those constant equations even when I want to. So just be happy. I'll work myself out."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

Now that's the Birdie I remember, he thinks with pride.

Caleb tosses the last page into the fire, and then haphazardly flops onto his back.

"You know, I've been thinking about it, and those crawlers would make wonderful home security devices. I know you don't want to commercialize them, but if you wanted some project to keep you busy or some such, I'd love to have a few to keep an eye on Alice."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

Amelia laughs. "[Absolutely not.]"

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

"No? You sure?" He fakes a look of disappointment. "I guess I'll have to settle for my own magic, then."

[amelia-z.livejournal.com]

She rolls her eyes. "For your car? Did you think I'd say yes? I'm not even allowed to drive that thing!"

Amelia blows her bangs out of her face, curling the longer tendrils back around her ear with fumbley fingers. She's got a lot of work to do before the crawlers do anything, anyway. "They're very... it's hard to explain. The way I've networked their programming between each other, they can get... temperamental. Some of them don't work so well together. Didn't, uh... work out all the bugs yet."

[caleb-z.livejournal.com]

"Well, you might want to do so before the summer," he cautions. "If you're going to be driving my car for the entire road trip, I'll want you to be looking out for it's best interests."