West owes him for this.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

The nut house. The crazy hut. The booby hatch - always a depressing misnomer, that one.

Eel O'Brien doesn't like it here, even though plenty of people probably think he belongs here. But he doesn't. He's an independent businessman... the only time he DESERVED to be here was after the first thousand years or so of being dispersed throughout the Atlantic Ocean... but it's a little hard to psychoanalyze living plankton.

Anyway, no ugly memories here - he's about to deal with someone who's an ugly right-now. He's gotta be 'pep talk man.' Get over the hump, bad guy, be a good guy, bad guy, stop banging psychotic clowns, ya freak.

Seriously, that's unbelievably gross. He's not sure if the whole Ivy thing cancels the Joker thing out or not.

After flashing some League cred to the gang here at the Keystone Mental Hosptial & Grill, he makes his way to the visitors area, a nice little lounge where everyone can be monitored, but you can sit at a table instead of those prison phones with the foot of glass between them.

He sits back in his chair, stretching over it impossibly, looking at the ceiling and trying to think of what the hell he's gonna say to this dingie broad.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley hadn't been expecting anyone, her only visitor up to this point had been the Martian and Flash. So she was surprised when the orderlies escorted her to the Visitor's Lounge. When she got there she saw a figure literally draped over a chair and Harley struggled not to bounce with excitement. She didn't want to scare the poor hero.

Well, not much.

Instead she walked into the room, trying to ignore the fact that she was looking less than her best. "Hiya! Plastic Man, right? Speedy told me you might drop by for a visit."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

O'Brien snaps to as that bubbly voice of hers is a sound he likes. Bubbly girls are all sorts of fun.

She doesn't look quite as hot as her last mugshot, but hey, the booby hatch ain't a spa.

There's a moment where he doesn't know what the hell to do. Then a finger stretches and wags a little, with a grin.

"Got it in one, sweetheart, but I'll tell ya right now, you're gonna have to think of a different name for Flashybritches, because there's some chick in Star City actually calling herself Speedy, last I heard. You'd think ol' Green Arrow would steer away from the smack-related names, but I can't smack sense into EVERYBODY."

His arm stretches to pull out a chair for her.

"Dr. Harlene Quinzel, huh?"

Don't ask about clown-boffing. Don't ask about clown-boffing.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley blinked for a moment. "Is this other Speedy fast, or at least have too much energy? Otherwise that wouldn't make sense."

She took a seat and gave Plastic Man her best smile. A gentleman, how nice. "And please, call me Harley. Everyone does."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He was expecting a hell of a lot more attitude. That's how these lockdown types usually are. All huff, no puff. But he knows how ladies like to be treated on a d-

This ain't a date. Clown-boffing. Keep that in your head.

Eechhh, no, don't, you'll puke on her.

Still, she's bubbly, which is an entirely different mood than he was expecting to trudge through. "Sure thing, Harlicious." Stop it. "You can call me Plaz. That's what everyone who doesn't hate me calls me. Although gimme a few and you'll probably come up with plenty of other charming epithets. Then again, the gang tends to save its best nicknames for Batman."

He shrugs on the Speedy thing. "I don't know 'bout the Speedies, can't really say I've met 'em all that much. Maybe they're just good at three-card monty."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"Plaz, huh? That's kinda unique." Harley gave him her most charming smile. "If that's what you want me to call you, that's what I'll use. And everyone likes to make fun of the Batfink. He's just so puffed up, like a giant black balloon. It's too much fun to take a poke at him and see if he'll deflate some of that hot air."

Actually that would be pretty funny. Get a giant balloon of Bats, and pop him. It could be a form of aggression therapy. Too bad she was the one on the couch these days.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

(http://photobucket.com)

The shift is almost instantaneous.

"Hmmmmnnnnmmmnnnmmmmmnnnngruffgruffgruffmmmmmnnnnnhhhmmm"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley burst out laughing. She couldn't have stopped even if she wanted to. Every time she slows down she looked at Plaz again and started laughing again, until tears run down her face and she was gasping for breath.

That was funny.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He's a sucker for an appreciative audience - they're so RARE in the spandex set. Everyone's so uptight.

(http://photobucket.com)

"NO I'm not the freakin' DAY! I'm the NIGHT! THE NIGHT, DAMMIT! GRUMBLE GRUMBLE! NO, I SAID GRUMBlE, DAMMIT!"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley starts to laugh even harder. There's a danger of an accident here and not just of her falling out of the chair. In between giggles she tried to talk. "I'm Batman, dammit! Be intimidated!"

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"He's Gumby, dammit!"

Okay. This is refreshing. Someone who laughs at him when she's not drunk... although she IS insane. Perhaps not the compliment he should revel in, but flattery will get you everywhere.

He shifts back, with a big grin. "See, Gotham's a waste of your TIME, baby. Bats'll never GET you."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley snorted. It wasn't a very elegant sound. "I'm shocked anyone can work with that sourpuss. The man wouldn't know a good joke if you shoved a fish in his pants."

Harley can't help but snicker some still yet. She has this mental image of Gumby in a cowl and cape and Pokey with green panties and elf boots. It's funny.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"Ah, working with him's fine, that's all he ever thinks about. It's the playin' around part that doesn't ever work. Honestly, I bet if we threw him a birthday party he'd say the cake was a fire hazard."

He's studying her with those permanently goggled eyes of his, the face that's always hard to actually read, since he can make it do whatever he wants.

She doesn't seem like such a bad egg.

"So what are you in for, huh?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley was still snickering a little when she answered. "Take your pick: Mayhem, murder, running over brats in Walmart with my shopping cart. Umm, the last thing I did was blow up Hot Rod's museum. You could say I was having problems dealing with abandonment issues."

She's still angry with Ivy. She could have at least left her a Dear Harley letter or something.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He leans back in his seat again, one eye squinting a little.

"Yeah, that's a bad rap, kiddo. So what's the sob story? Abuse, poverty, orphan, what? Why's it 'you against the world?'"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley sighed. She hated this part, where everyone wanted to know her motivations. Half the time she didn't even know.

"I guess I'm just a good example of poor impulse control. Or maybe I have a case of want, take, have."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

There's a small muttering in a slightly Mexican accent. "You want this, you can't have it, no take it, no can't have no want take can't have it." His head even takes on Strong Bad's look for a second. He's a slave to insane mutterings.

"Okay, so you don't even have the trademarked dark secret shame, huh? You're just a spoiled little hussy what thinks she deserves to have everything she wants?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley frowned, her good mood vanishing in an instant. "Hey! Watch it buddy! It's easy to find giant plastic eggs this time of year for me to shove your silly puddy ass into before I drop it off a cliff."

Okay, so she does have some anger management issues. Who doesn't?

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"Oooh, temper issues, too. You're lucky I likes me a spitfire."

Wally's voice in his head snaps at him. Right, right, no schmooze.

(http://photobucket.com)

"If I had a dime for every time I heard that one, right? Well, not that SPECIFIC one, because giant plastic eggs aren't exactly a common threat - that's what makes you interesting."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"Yeah, well, you know what they say. Nothing beats a great pair of L'eggs."

Harley crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave a little pout. This wasn't going exactly as she envisioned it.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"And you do got a great set o' gams, no question."

She's pissed. He's no good at this stuff.

"Hey, look. Um. Hey. I'm not trying to be a - I'm just..."

He shakes his head - and when he does that, it spins all the way around on his neck.

"Let's cut to the chase, baby. You're hot, I'm hot, we'd be hot - no, wait, wrong schtick. For real, Mr. Zip sent me down here to give you the peptalk, y'know, try to make you realize that helping old ladies cross the street and helping mama with the dishes is the ginchiest way to live your spit-polished life. But between you and me, some of the Good'n'Plenties can lay that crap on WAY too thick. Suddenly, you're Satan's minion and they're all..."

(http://photobucket.com)

"And there's only so much of that mess you can swallow without tasting your own puke, y'know?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley pouted a bit more but couldn't resist showing a bit more leg. "You do realize you're sending more signals than a traffic light, don't ya? So, why did you do leave the Dark Side if they annoy you so much?"

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"The short version is they're good for a laugh, they never welsh on their bets, and if you happen to end up scattered into little chunks floating around the ocean for 3000 years, they'll eventually spend some time puttin' you back together again."

A shrug. "SO maybe that's not the short version. But y'know what a life o' crime got me? Stuck in this fruity little leotard for the rest of my eternal life. That ain't a barrel o' yuks, y'know."

Then there's a squint. "And you can only notice signals if you're lookin' to catch 'em." He notices the leg. He always notices the legs. "What kinda signals you lookin' for?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"I have to admit, it is fun laughing at the Flying Rodent, but it's more of a laugh at him instead of with him. Still, most people get away with doing whatever they want, you know that."

Harley noticed him noticing and stretched her leg out just an inch or two more. "And as for signals it depends on which ones you want to give."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

C'mon, Eel, what's a little flirting gonna hurt? You've flirted with crazier dames than this.

His own leg stretches out under the table, wrapping a figure-eight around her thighs in his own peculiar brand of 'footsie.'

"We'll get to the signals, baby. But first order o' business, I'm not buyin' your premise. Most people DON'T get away with doin' what they want - I've SEEN what happens when they DO. There's this nutjob parallel Earth where everything's opposite, good is bad, white is black, clown sex is encouraged. Basically, evil Superman. Think about that. SUPERMAN, thinks like YOU do, except not so much with the whimsy. He freakin' disintegrates people from the moon if he doesn't like what they say - and he can HEAR what you say."

His leg around hers starts a soft little tease. He can multitask.

"That's the kinda crap that even YOU wouldn't want. He doesn't have a good sense of humor at all. But that's the kinda crap I've thrown in with this crowd to stop. Plus, they're usually good joes, y'know? Uptight here and there, broody 'round the horn, but even Bats can be a mensch from time to time. That's why they need funsters like you 'n' me, baby. C'maan. Wouldn't ya like to pull off a joke where you DON'T have some jerk punching you in the face when you hit the applause sign?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Okay, the leg thing? Is making her brain do really funny things. Other bits of her body too. Is he gonna fool around until she agrees to be good?

Well, it's better than other kinds of therapy, that's for sure.

"Yeah, but the evil Supes didn't blow everyone up. I bet there's an evil version of ol' Pointy Ears that keeps him in line."

And the thought of an evil Batman in no way distracts her even more.

Yeah, right.

Harley tries to rally enough brain cells to answer his last comment. "And Mister J doesn't hit all the time you know, he can be a real pussy cat at times."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"Sorta, but his name's OWLman, so he's nowhere near as cool. Might as well be that stuffed cape in the JSA."

She's actually into you, Eel. Kooky. Wait, what'd Wally say? Somethin' about... what, clingy? Dames are always clingy. She's hot for a mussed up nutcase... maybe a good ol' fashioned 'schtup her into goodness' plan could work - SHE BANGS CLOWNS.

But she's cute as a button and hot to trot. That tends to trump kooky idiosynchracies.

"Wouldn't you rather he hit you NONE of the time? That's another perk of act-cleaning-uppage. We're big on nooky and frown on the bitchslapping. Ain't kosher."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Any sarcastic comments about Owlman went out of Harley's head but she did try to make a mental note of it. Future blackmail on the Bat was always good.

Harley squirmed just a bit in Plaz's hold, trying to get a feel for things. It was...different, being touched by someone who stretched, but a good kind of different.

Still, she had to speak up for Mister J.

"It's sad. No one really gets my Puddin'. I mean, he's a genius and no one seems to understand that. Mister J knows how one random incident can create a domino effect and turn everything into chaos. It's like watching an artist at work." Harley sighed and then she giggled. "He looks good in purple too!"

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He squints one of those goggle eyes.

"Are you kidding? EVERYTHING'S chaos, baby. You really think it's something special to scare people into rioting and freakin' out? C'mon. Turn off electricity for a week, and boom, instant savage land. Chaos is easy, chaos is everywhere, and any guy who thinks he's hot shit because he can stir it up a little is the bad guy equivalent of Nikki French, that little twit who put a techno beat to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and called it a cover song. I mean, I'll give him some creative flair, what with the giant pinball machines and that sorta crack, but I'm not impressed by that guy."

His pinkie finger stretches under the table to wrap around her waist.

"Plus, smacking you around when you're as devoted as you are? That's bush league alcoholic Archie Bunker crap. The appreciation street's not a two-way, and that ain't fair."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley struggled for a moment, she was beginning to get frustrated and not in a good way. "That's just it! ANYONE can do chaos but the Joker, he makes it a work of art! It's like, watching Picasso paint. I mean, I've dumped stuff into the Thames and poisoned all their fish but did it make the news outside of jolly ol' England? Nope. It takes someone like the Joker to make that real news."

She really wished he'd enlarge something other than a finger. Well, that and that the orderlies didn't come back any day soon.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is a little weird. Isn't it usually the foxy bad girls that are all seducey on the straight-laced good guys? He's starting to wonder as he snakes a couple more fingers around her waist, finger-walking up her chest now.

This is ridiculous. You're Justice League, man, and you're groping an evil clown.

A really HOT clown. Who's not wearing the makeup right now. It's for a good cause! If the babe-magnetism can be used for good, ya gotta do it, right?

"Hate to break it to you, baby, but you don't get the publicity because as much as you wanna be the Bonnie to his Clyde, the general public thinks you're the Tom Arnold to his Roseanne. I know, no accounting for taste. Me, I think you're BETTER than that chump, and if the sucker ever hits you again, you should hit back HARDER. Thing is, Harley Q, if he thinks it's funny, he'd have no problem killing you and your gal Ivy without a second thought. That ain't no way to live, is it?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley arched into his touch, and she could feel herself start to breath just a little faster.

If one of the orderlies were to come in right at the moment they'd see how homicidal she'd get.

Harley tried to think about what Plaz was saying and not just about what he was doing with his hands. His incredibly long, agile hands.

"You sound just like Pammy you know. She was always telling me about how I was too good for Mister J and how I should leave him. And I didn't act like a door mat all the time you know. I blew him up once when he was doing a caper at an amusement park."

Actually she'd nearly blown up the entire amusement park but hey, that was a minor detail.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He did ask the orderlies for a bit of privacy and leeway here, with the League cred and all, but who knows how long they'll keep their noses out of this.

Wally'd be pissed. He knows he's gonna feel a bit guilty later. As his fingers march between her breasts, though, he's admiring his own personal record for getting to second base - and it's really rare to do that without even touching first.

Good thing. This is helpful. This is HEROIC, man.

"Now what is this whole mess with Ivy, huh? You three have some freaky-deaky set-up going on or what?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"God, no! Pammy and Joker hate each other with a passion."

The last word is more than a little breathless. All the touching was driving her crazy.

Okay, crazier.

With all the appendages wrapped around her, it was difficult to move. It was also a bit confusing as to what part to, well, grab. She settled from running her fingertips lighting over an arm before laying her entire hand on it and rubbing. Hard.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, but is it the kind of hate that RESULTS in passion? I mean, angry sex can be some of the best - "

She's rubbing. He knows what she's looking for - the weirdness of his body has confused many an interested lady.

Holy CRAP, is this getting out of hand. Or into her hand, or... something. This is so wrong.

He suddenly pulls back everything but his ankle wrapped lightly around hers.

"Now, now, baby..." he says, clearing his throat, straightening his suddenly-grown tie and gulping a little before he can get his sly voice on properly. "That's just a taste of what could be waiting for you if you switch sides. I mean, it wouldn't be good for a fine, upstanding Justice League vet like myself to get TOO involved with such a hell-bent criminal... but if she was, say, actually INTERESTED in getting better, cutting out all the petty, pointless little crime sprees and helping make the world a little better than it was when she came into it, well..."

He shifts forms again.

(http://photobucket.com)

"... I think I know a guy what could quench all of her appetites."

The eyebrows waggle.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley raised an eyebrow at the sudden change. "And here I thought I was the tease."

She leans forward in her chair hoping to entice him back. Harley didn't make any promises either way though, instead she changed the subject.

"Do you know what my first graduate thesis was going to be? 'I have long held there are only two circumstances which a person disregards the rules of society. When the commit a crime, or when they're in love.' It's a fascinating idea, people will do anything for love. Not lust, love."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

Plaz leans forward in his new shape, too, being sure to display the cleavage fantastically.

Evading the subject, yeah. Crime-types are good at that, he knows. He had that mastered for a while before he just started being comically blunt.

"I dunno. They do a hell of a lot for lust, too."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"Oh yeah, lust is a big motivator. But most of your garden variety of do-gooders won't kill for lust. Love, now that's a different story. A lot of people kill for love."

Harley gets a good eye full and doesn't exactly mind what she's seeing. She's pretty much smack dab in the middle of the Kinsey Scale.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

Plaz, however, starts to mildly creep himself out, so he shifts back to a dashing male form, swankily dressed.

Swankily.

"Which lends credence to my unpopular theory that love is a form of brain disease. LIKE is a good thing. LIKE is what gives you a grin, keeps people in good spirits, makes you laugh. Like is love without the psychosis and obsession."

His hands raise behind his head as he leans back. "Like everybody, love nobody. Motto, baby."

His ankle is still twisted around hers, slowly slithering up her leg all teasy-like.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley smirked just a bit at the sudden change but shifted around so the game of footsie would be easier. "I dunno, it's nice being in love. I like being in love. The world seems like such a fun place. It's such a powerful emotion."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

Plaz gives a little spin of his finger, pointing out the room they're in.

"But look where it gets ya. The Booby Hatch."

And he can't help but stretch two fingers across the table and make a quick honking noise out of the side of his mouth as he pokes her breasts.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley jumped and giggled. "True. But you see, I knew I was gonna end up here. Well, not here. I figured I'd get thrown back in Arkham. But if I would have really wanted to, I wouldn't have been caught."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

This is the most 'game' gal he's come across in years. He hasn't even had to BUY her anything. Maybe he should start trollin' the nuthouses for babes more often.

"Pff. No way. Not in THIS town. You don't outrun the Flash, that much I know. Even if you do, it's not for very LONG. You always have pit stops in joints like these, and ya get tired of it. You hop over to my side of the fence, you get to walk around free and easy, no federales on your tail, no need to lie low, none of that cloak 'n' swagger horsepuckey, babe. You get to ditch the paranoid lifestyle, you don't get stuck here for months at a time in the 'I'm okay, You're okay, Lemme Change Yer Bedpan' land."

A shrug as his foot tickles under her thigh.

"Yeah, you've got the workaday thing where you gotta make an honest buck, but look at you! You'd make a killing on the pole!"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

"A pole isn't the only thing I'd make a killing on." Harley can't help but grin a that. Mister J would have liked that one.

"And when I blew up Hot Rod's Big Building of Trinkets, I knew I was gonna get caught, and I didn't care at the time. I could have chosen a dozen other targets, either aimed at the other Titans or have gone back home to Gotham. I actually chose to have some time off, you know? I needed some time to get my head together. I even took my babies somewhere they'd be safe so the authorities wouldn't get their grubby hands on them."

Harley scooted just a bit closer to Plaz. Not everyone stretched well you know.

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

There's something in her face when she makes that joke about killing people that hits Plaz wrong.

That's when the conscience finally pipes up in the back of his head, digging its way out from the piles of blankets and mattresses it was buried under. She loves the JOKER. She's in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. She's only 'game' because she is INSANE. GROW THE HELL UP.

He slides his foot back from her leg slowly, so it doesn't seem so abrupt and startled, but Wally was freakin' right. Stupid chicks having to be insane or hammered to like him.

Then his head shakes, startled at that last bit, and he snaps his leg back.

"Wait, you have KIDS and you're still being this much of a thrillkill nutjob?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley didn't notice Plaz's discomfort, or his sudden retreat. "Yep, I've got two! They're just the sweetest babies in all the world. Bud is younger but he's the dominant in the pair but Lou is still pretty aggressive. He gives just about as good as he gets. I have a picture of my babies back in my room."

Harley sighed. "That's the one thing I hate about being in the nut farm, being away from them, wondering if they're okay or if they're lonely."

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

The completely unjustified indignance of a newly un-deadbeat dad suddenly comes flying out of his face.

"Now, eine minuten bitte! What kind of a mom goes out on crime sprees and humping maniac clowns when she's got two children to support? At any SECOND you could be locked up and thrown in the pokey and those kids would have to fend for themselves! And what kind of a FATHER figure is the JOKER, for the love o' Zauriel? How have those kids not been taken away by child services yet?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_harley_quinn_/]

Harley was actually shocked speechless for a moment before bursting out in laughter. "ME?! Children...me?! HAhahahahaha!"

She clutched her middle, laughing so hard that she was actually snorting. She took a deep breath and tried to explain. "Bud...and Lou are my hyenas! Not kids!"

[plazmania.livejournal.com]

He squints a little.

OF COURSE she has laughing freakin' hyenas.

He slaps a hand over his face, and his fingers stretch out even longer and wrap around his head a few times.

At least she's... snorting.

What the hell is he doing here again? What's the point of all this?



...


Suddenly, there's an ear-piercing alarm sounding, and Plaz winces spectacularly.